An Interesting Conversation with Speakeasy
by 183
Part of the Rubicon 2001 Aftermath

Abstract: This was a conversation between a Rubicon 2001 organiser and a
Speakeasy Tech Support supervisor (presumably). This was his attempt to
get the DSL line cancelled under their "30 day monkey back guarantee" on
Sunday morning as the conference wound to a close. In an odd twist of
fate, the corporation ended up owning the organizer.

"Thanks for calling Speakeasy, my name is xxxxxx, how can I help you?"

"Hi, I'd like to cancel my DSL order"

"What's your username?"

"Rubicon"

(A long 15 second pause)

"Please hold for a supervisor..."

(A shorter 10 second pause)

"Is this Mary?"

"Um, uh...no. I ordered the line for her...she's the hotel manager, I'm
just running the line for her...."

"O.K., and you are?"

"I'm xxxxx, my e-mail address should be there in the installation
information"

"Oh, yes, I see it now. So, you'd like to cancel your DSL line."

"Yes, I would, under your 30 day guarantee or something."

"But, I don't even show your DSL line as being installed yet..."

The organizer had forgotten that the loop from the switch to the hotel
had been installed in time for the con, but the actual "official"
installation of the line had not yet taken place.  The unofficial
installation, which happened on Thursday night, was a foggy memory as of
Sunday morning. 

"Ah...but, I guess whoever came to in for the first installation must
have installed everything, because I've been using it since Friday
afternoon...and I just wanted to say that I'm really not satsified with
the quality of service."

"Really...have you been using the line much?"

"Oh, a little here and there...I think I downloaded some big files and
they didn't..."

"A FEW big files?"

"Yeah, only a few..."

"Well, I'm looking at the DSLAM logs now and it says that you
peaked out your allocated bandwidth 48 times. You peaked your upstream
about 15 times."

"Well, uh, I guess I wanted to try an MP3 stream...um..."

"And that someone at 4 a.m. on thursday morning spent a few hours
talking to one of our techs trying to get your router configured with
our DSLAM."

"Well, I don't know how..."

"And, oddly enough, that router's serial number has been flagged as being
a router belonging to a delinquent account from XO communications."

"Oh, well, that's odd, but..."

"And, while I'm looking through the file here...we've logged 13 separate
ISP complaints from your IP address this morning. We were going to call
you about it on Monday, but...have you been launching any IP attacks
from your computers?"

"Um, uh..."

"Look, the way I see it, you installed the line for some kind of weekend
event; you did some *crazy ass shit* and now you're trying to get out of
paying for it by cancelling using our TOS guarantee."

"Well...I can't?"

"Well, it's based on the quality of the service you got. Usually, we
do an investigation into the quality of service issues on the line you
had when we get a cancellation like this."

"Oh."

"Something tells me you really don't want us doing any quality of
service investigations into your account."

"No, not really."

"Great. Well, I'll cancel your account, don't contest the charge on your
card, and we'll be all set."

"Wait...you already charged my card?"

"Sure did. Installation and first month's service. As we were speaking."

"Oh...well...um..."

"Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir?"

"No, I guess that's it."

"Well, thanks for calling and thank you for using Speakeasy DSL."